Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I wish you could order shots online.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
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