I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
