i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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