I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
organizing the empties. That sober.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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