I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
