you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
i would one night stand the shit outta him
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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