i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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