Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
