Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
