these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
