Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
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