I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
