I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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