i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
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