I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
she smelled like a LAN party
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
