i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
