I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
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