I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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