the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
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