You made me cry and you don't even care
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
