Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Randomize
