it hurts more in the daytime
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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