tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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