garbage
garbage dick
rubbish cock
you win
i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
