I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
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