If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
