12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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