dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
When did angry sex become our thing?
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
