The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
It's never too late to be topless.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
Randomize
