The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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