I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
