I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Randomize
