Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
