I am midnight drunk by noon
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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