So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
