Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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