i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
It was confusing and full of hummus
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my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
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Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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