so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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