An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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