I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Randomize
