He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
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