Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
