ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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