The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize
