Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
