my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
