Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
Randomize
