just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
