So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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