I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
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