Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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