just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
