She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Randomize
