I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
We are two peas in an std pod
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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