This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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