The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
