there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
