I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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