A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
