Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
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